The Faith Chronicles Part 5 – Favourites, preferring one child over another

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Hurt.

Anger.

Betrayal.

Faith felt a volcanic rush of pain pass through her. She was not her mother’s favourite. Though she was the freehanded one, the one who gave without thinking, the one who pitched in and made sure the bills were paid, the one who ensured her mother didn’t starve.

She was not the favourite.

The user was. The addict was. The mange was.

Her brother, who never paid a bill, who never returned a loan. The one who never contributed, the one who never bought a furniture or appliance to put in his mother’s house. The one who when her mother starved for months never gave her food, though he managed one of the largest wholesales in Jamaica.

In the story of the Prodigal Son, it was the one who sinned, who left, who neglected the family; it was he who was embraced, kissed and a feast kept in his honour. So why did she think it would be different for her.

The pain made her illogical, hard and unforgiving; but somehow, God was seeping logic in the cracks of her rationality. God left obvious clues that he was watching out for Faith, even if no one else was. He loved her, she was sure. The Holy Spirit in her gave her solace, but sometimes, the pain would shut him out.

As tears fell from her eyes, Faith felt more alone on this earth than she ever felt. For years, Faith never truly forgave her mother for choosing favourites, but God required it of her now. It was locked away in her subconscious never on the surface, but somehow never far from her mind.

Faith closed her eyes and prayed, “Oh God forgive me, and help me to release those who should be forgiven.” There might be hope for her yet.

What else could wreak more of a devastation on a child?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Copyright © 2015 · All Rights Reserved · Denise N. Fyffe

The Faith Chronicles Part 4 – Denied, A brothers love

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People deceive themselves more than they deceive others.

She stood with an empty heart and a disenchanted spirit as her brother stood in front of her and lied to himself, more than he lied to her.

Faith knew what a brothers love should be like, but it wasn’t this. She had been robbed, cheated and disinherited.

All her life she lived as if she was alone and her only defender was herself. No one to protect her, except God. No true experience of unconditional love from a sibling. This, she thinks, must add to the explanation of why she kept people truly at arms distance.

She had suffered twenty years of neglect, robbery, disinterest and feigned reunions. Faith looked through him and only saw a rotten corpse, a user, an addict. For five years she lived her ‘Job experience’ and she was forced to orbit the same galaxy as he; hell was almost welcomed compared to this.

Christ dictated she love this corpse, but she could barely stand his presence. Years of him misusing their relationship had left her jaded.

God required forgiveness, begrudgingly Faith gave it. But everyday it was required and in some miraculous turn of events, it grew easier. She just didn’t have any expectations. She felt peace for her effort but the effort was required daily.

Every chance he got, he took from her food, money, stuff…mostly money, mostly food. He never gave back. He never invested in her. Only on her death bed did he begrudgingly assist and then required payment only weeks later. He invested more effort in Mr. Lotto than he did anything else.

Faith remember one morning sharing with her mother of how she dreamed about silver, a lot of old Jamaican silver coin. Off he went to Mr. Cashpot and Mr. Lotto; winning thousands of dollars but none ever made it home to his family by disassociation.

A user.

A mange.

An addict.

Faith looked to the heavens and craved a miracle from God, “God I asked you to come into my heart, my mind, my being; it seems that you are cleaning house. Forgive me father and I forgive and release my brother as well.”

Faith never knew brotherly love, but she had intimate knowledge of Christ’s love for her.

Copyright © 2015 · All Rights Reserved · Denise N. Fyffe

Poetess Denise N. Fyffe has worked as in Software Implementation for more than ten years and enjoys volunteering as a Counselor. She has transitioned to being a Jamaican blogger, ghostwriter, web content writer, internet writer, and researcher.

The Faith Chronicles Part 3 – Living up to your Potential, or not

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Have you ever experienced that moment where you realise that you are not living up to your potential? It is almost like having a tidal wave of disenchantment of self and dissatisfaction with life all rolled up into life.

How can you even attain this when the odds seem to be against you, knocking you down and kicking you about like a ninja warrior? How can you even hope to attain all the goals you would like to realise for yourself? How can you be more, than what you are now? How can you break out of the shackles of poverty and frustration unique to the Caribbean? How can you live up to your potential?

In this moment of realisation for Faith, it seems impossible. How can Faith do this? It seems she is that servant, where her master gave her more than 10 gifts and it seems unattainable to use them all and multiply, selflessly. Faith can act, she can sing, she can write, she can teach, Faith can counsel, Faith can do graphical work, Faith was great with understanding technology and software, she have a photographic memory, she can discern, Faith can do so many things! And there are things she dared not mention; else the enemy try to foil even those.

The problem is that unlike many people, Faith can’t focus on doing one thing with her life or even two. This would leave her feeling so unfulfilled and miserable; constantly thinking that she is a disappointment to herself and to the Father who gave her so much potential.

This thought plagues her perpetually. In Jamaica, the resources are not there, she thinks, to cater to someone like her. Faith had a discussion with an Entertainer the other day, who she had not seen for a while and he said, “The people in the industry try to pull you down when they see you working to go higher”. This is the ‘crab inna barrel’ syndrome. People don’t want to help you unless, they see a way in which they can rape you of the majority of the profits or benefit in a major way. Faith has come across a few people who are not like that and God bless them.

Do you remember when you were in school and the teachers would write on your report card, ‘you have potential’? Every report card Faith has ever received had that written, except maybe her grade one report card that had straight As. She can’t even remember what happened to take her from that course, to mess with that brilliance, to outshine that potential. Her teachers, Lord know that she is thankful for them; she feels like kicking them right now. One particular high school science teacher comes to mind. Every year her mother came to parent’s day, she clearly remembers him telling her, “She has great potential”.

Sigh.

The one teacher who lit a fire under Faith and made her feel like Einstein in English class disappeared by the time she got to tenth grade. The next teacher, she got an E in her class and nearly committed suicide. Faith was devastated. Not to mention her school had shifted them from their original class and placed all the bright pupils in one class and forgot to teach them, while expecting them to know the answers automatically without being taught. The best thing that happened in those last years of high school was Faith meeting and being taught by a brilliant math whiz of a teacher; and he was a gangster man, so atypical. Math, to him, was like air; because of his teachings she was able to pass the darn subject in CXC.

In treading this role, into her academic history, Faith realised she got bored and basically hid her academic brilliance; which seems has now even outshone the closet she hid it in. Now, Faith was tormented by her restless, over-analytical mind, which seems tired of being repressed and suppressed. Now, her obsession with psychology and understanding human behaviour at all times can be distracting. She watched people, their expressions and their body language, tried to figure out if they lie, what they hide and if they are genuine. If you watched the TV series, you fully understand what Faith was doing.

When Faith just started writing poetry, she was so shy and afraid; she didn’t want to show or share her work. Twelve years after, she has transitioned to not only writing poetry, but chronicles, articles, musings, and even a book. A couple months ago, a suppressed memory came to mind. When she was just a teenager Faith wrote novellas in exercise books. She has read thousands of books, so naturally her imagination led her to writing.

In all this reflection, Faith is solid in the belief that she will never live up to her full potential. Now, she has to find a way to deal with this reality, her reality, her Jamaican reality. Now, Faith thinks, she will have to do anything she wants to do and publish on the web. Even her singing, which she is so shy about; Faith used to sing Whitney Houston songs when she was a babe, very good too. Then she had an operation at six or seven and her voice was never the same. That has haunted her for over two decades, because that was her dream as a child; to be a singer like Whitney Houston, her greatest love of all. Sigh.

So, though Faith is not dead yet, she guesses she shouldn’t resign herself. She still has forty of her promised years to implement and cement her dreams in history. We will see in thirty years whether she has managed to live up to her potential or not.

 

Copyright © 2015 · All Rights Reserved · Denise N. Fyffe

She has published several books of poetry including:

  1. Jamaican Honey and Sauce
  2. Jamaican Pebbles
  3. Jamaican Pebbles: Poetry Pocketbook
  4. Love Under The Caribbean Stars
  5. Sensuous One
  6. The Island Journal: Jamaica’s Golden Year
  7. Honey to my Sauce
  8. The Expert Teacher’s Guide on How to Motivate Students
  9. Messages to the Deaf
  10. Be Lifted Up

The Faith Chronicles Part 2 – Moral Dilemma

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Faith was sick and tired of living a lie; or to what feels like a constant delusion.

She tried to be this good person but in her mind when she gets angry, she was more like a vigilante in the movies. Really, she was not afraid of people and felt an irresistible urge to fight back. It was almost like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She was not the person inside that she pretended to be outside.

Faith had a tough outlook on how people were and she was tired of dealing with their evil and selfish ways. How would she combat this demon that drove her and wished to burst free from the cage she built for it?

Would it turn and bite her and anyone else that got closer? This was her moral dilemma.

Life could be such a duplicit mirage sometimes.

People spent their lives pretending to be something that they were not. How do you handle being a Christian and wanting to live a full and true Christian life; being and acting like Jesus while yet battling the compulsion to be a cold-blooded psychopath? This was a conundrum; Faith hoped that was not a solitary existence.

Why did God make us with tempers if he knew it could lead us to commit immoral actions? How can we live a life that is pleasing to him, if we are hampered by a natural flaw?

How can we rise above it or simply be rid of it?

 

Copyright © 2015 · All Rights Reserved · Denise N. Fyffe

She has published several books of poetry including:

  1. Jamaican Honey and Sauce
  2. Jamaican Pebbles
  3. Jamaican Pebbles: Poetry Pocketbook
  4. Love Under The Caribbean Stars
  5. Sensuous One
  6. The Island Journal: Jamaica’s Golden Year
  7. Honey to my Sauce
  8. The Expert Teacher’s Guide on How to Motivate Students
  9. Messages to the Deaf
  10. Be Lifted Up

The Faith Chronicles Part 1 – Is the Spiritual sabbatical over?

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Spiritual Sabbatical

Faith fears that her playtime is over and God is demanding his due and his time.

Of course, she is his child, but a rebel. He has allowed her to learn things her way and abate her curiosity of things. And like any other child, come back broken and bored and thinking there is nothing better.

Her life is indelibly his life and she has only borrowed it for a time. She must, like any person who has been given much, has to at some point accept the responsibilities as well.

One of her most favourite person called today, and the sound of her voice brought to her, utter joy. If she needed another sign, then surely that must be it. But in a time of so many transitions, how does she make this one.

Faith has always sensed the shift in times, been able to recognize things or more sense of things. She has moved from an immature little girl, to an uncertain teenager and adolescent is the next stage isn’t it?

Here one has to learn how to take responsibility. But was she ready for it?

 

*****

 

She has published several books of poetry including:

  1. Jamaican Honey and Sauce
  2. Jamaican Pebbles
  3. Jamaican Pebbles: Poetry Pocketbook
  4. Love Under The Caribbean Stars
  5. Sensuous One
  6. The Island Journal: Jamaica’s Golden Year
  7. Honey to my Sauce
  8. The Expert Teacher’s Guide on How to Motivate Students
  9. Messages to the Deaf
  10. Be Lifted Up

Copyright © 2016 · All Rights Reserved · Denise N. Fyffe